Tomorrow seems a million years away

“For six months, I couldn’t sleep.
With insomnia, nothing is real.
Everything is far away. Everything
is a copy of a copy of a copy.

“With insomnia, you’re never really asleep;
you’re never really awake.”

~Narrator~  Fight Club

_____________________________________________

It’s 3:50 AM… I wouldn’t fault you for expecting me to scream right now but don’t hold your breath — I’m not going to. It’s too predictable. Too contrived. That scream. The one you’re expecting. I won’t give in to it, even though the script calls for it. The night is thick and still and my heart has stopped beating. At 3:50 AM it’s hard to know who you are. Or what you are becoming.

It’s hard. To hide. From yourself. At 3:50 AM.

I don’t want your sympathy or your understanding. I live for your scorn. Throw rocks at the stage, if you will. That is my open invitation. To you.

In the east, beyond the black yawn of night, the sky will soon give birth. To a new sun. A new day. It will make sense of the senselessness that roams the wee hours. This hopelessness.

What I am right now I will hide. Under my Thursday morning mask.

But for now, let’s laugh at life while death slowly knits rot into my soul. Let’s pound back vodka shots with the reaper while the world ends over, and over. Again. One minute at a time. At 3:50 AM.

Tomorrow seems a million years away.

This entry was posted in Black & White Photography, Creative Writing, Night Photography, Street Photography, Toronto, Urban Photography, Winter Photography and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Tomorrow seems a million years away

  1. milkayphoto says:

    Dave, your words give me some insight as to what my sister is currently going through. I don’t know how to help her and it makes me feel so helpless. I wish they could figure out what causes anxiety attacks and insomnia and why for some people, it is crippling. You’ve written about your struggles before and you actually give me some hope for her since you’ve overcome so much, despite these setbacks. I am helpless to help you, too. The only thing I can do is pray you find some peace and that the good days/nights out number the bad ones. Hugs.

    • Thanks Tracy, that means a heck of a lot. The thing about severe anxiety is it also cripples your will to seek help. You just don’t have the energy to deal with it, or anything, really. Me, I hit rock bottom about five years back and ended up in a support group. Maybe this time I should be looking at medication, I don’t know. One of my best friends is currently going through what I went through five years ago. Basically, his midlife crisis, for lack of a better term. He’s gotten help and is now on meds for it. He swears by them, so far. Me, I’m still reluctant.

      But, the alternative is even scarier. I think there’s a tipping point in all this where you start to see things in a very unhealthy way and start to consider alternative solutions that would not cross the mind of any sane person. It can be a slippery slope into craziness. And you don’t even see yourself falling until you land on main street crazytown.

      I hope your sister gets the help she needs. There is help and there is hope. This isn’t something rare or new. There’s plenty of remedies out there for those who reach out for them. I’ll say a prayer for your sister, my dear. All the best.

  2. igneousidol says:

    throwing a pebble (because a rock is too heavy to throw that far) at you on stage, it bounces off your temple and lands somewhere backstage…..you look out to see who threw it, before you spot me, you fall over, into a deep sleep………rest well, sleep makes everything 100x better, nap in the sun……sunshine works miracles too

  3. Hang in there. You are still able to create (as evidenced by your art). Create and let the hope in!

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