Letting go

I’ve photographed this guy on at least two other occasions, but every time I see him he looks different so I never realize this until later when editing the photo in Lightroom. This is the best photo of him I’ve got so far. As usual, I paid him a couple of bucks for the shot. It was sort of funny. He actually got into it, striking a couple of poses for me. Maybe he remembered me, I don’t know. I suspect not. Maybe he’s gotten used to being photographed. The first photo I took of him was two summers back out in the west end. This one was on Yonge St. across from the Eaton Centre. Next time I’m going to pay him more. Hope you like the photo.

So I dragged my sorry arse to work this morning and then split around 1:15 PM. I’m fortunate I’ve got a cool boss who understands my predicament. How long that understanding will go, one only knows. I think I’m far harder on myself about this than the people I work for are. I’m not used to missing time or not being 100% on my game. Fingers crossed this upcoming sleepover at the sleep clinic uncovers the problem. It frikkin’ better.

Tomorrow seems a million years away

“For six months, I couldn’t sleep.
With insomnia, nothing is real.
Everything is far away. Everything
is a copy of a copy of a copy.

“With insomnia, you’re never really asleep;
you’re never really awake.”

~Narrator~  Fight Club

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It’s 3:50 AM… I wouldn’t fault you for expecting me to scream right now but don’t hold your breath — I’m not going to. It’s too predictable. Too contrived. That scream. The one you’re expecting. I won’t give in to it, even though the script calls for it. The night is thick and still and my heart has stopped beating. At 3:50 AM it’s hard to know who you are. Or what you are becoming.

It’s hard. To hide. From yourself. At 3:50 AM.

I don’t want your sympathy or your understanding. I live for your scorn. Throw rocks at the stage, if you will. That is my open invitation. To you.

In the east, beyond the black yawn of night, the sky will soon give birth. To a new sun. A new day. It will make sense of the senselessness that roams the wee hours. This hopelessness.

What I am right now I will hide. Under my Thursday morning mask.

But for now, let’s laugh at life while death slowly knits rot into my soul. Let’s pound back vodka shots with the reaper while the world ends over, and over. Again. One minute at a time. At 3:50 AM.

Tomorrow seems a million years away.

Things I learned when I was that age

Things I learned when I was that age: How the things to be afraid of don’t hide in a dark closet; how to be silent in the face of rage; how to not stand out; how to run; how to hide; how to keep down expectations; how to swallow emotions, and pride, and blood; how to accept not being accepted; how to eat pain; how to play alone.

When I got older I turned most of those things around and now those scars are but faint reminders of damage long healed.

Things I know at my age now: How to wear a strong face when feeling small; how to conceal sadness behind laughter; how to let go; how to run with the black dogs; how to dance with disappointment…

How to accept that in the end the things I want most in life won’t work out;

Sometimes in the wee hours before dawn, when stars still rule the night sky, I stand out on my back deck wrapped in silence and wonder what I did so wrong… when I was that age. Once, I looked up at a half full moon and thought I saw hope on its face.

I’m sure I must have been dreaming.

Quiet winter waterfront

Here’s another shot from the weekend. I did a lot of lightroom work to get it to look like this, actually. I’m really starting to see in my mind how I want a shot to look before I begin processing it. Sometimes I see it in the field, even. This shot was taken around mid-afternoon in the Toronto Beaches, facing west. It’s a really peaceful image without much going on, which I like. Hope you like it, too.

Had yet another really bad day at work because of my insomnia last night. Well, that and I stayed up an hour later than I should have. I sure hope I don’t end up getting sick because of it. I had to leave work early today I was so exhausted. I was actually concerned about how I would managed in rush hour traffic if I left at my regular time. My eyes have never looked or felt this bad, that I can remember. And I’ve had a headache brought on by the exhaustion all day, to boot. Not fun. Hopefully I’ll sleep tonight and tomorrow be in better shape. No need to comment on this, I’m just venting.

Cyclist on Dundas

Gotta say, what a day. After spending yesterday in front of a computer editing a magazine, it was a real treat to get out and about. Like I said in this morning’s post, it was a beaut’ of a day. Turned out just gorgeous, for February, anyway. I met my friend Paula at the Three Brewers Pub on Yonge St. across from the Eaton Centre for lunch. She had to leave from there but we met up later and walked around shooting this and that with her lovely doggy Molly. To be honest, I wasn’t expecting to catch much interesting today. I sort of just figured I’d walk around and not put too much effort into anything. You know, just enjoy hanging out with my friend. Surprisingly, I did manage to get a few shot with which I’m pleased. This one is may be the luckiest of the day. I snapped it only a few yards from Toronto’s busiest intersection, and the thought I’d be lucky enough to catch a lone cyclist without a slew of cars in my way is nothing less than a pipe dream. Low and behold, as I set up the shot I had a look around and down the street was my cyclist haplessly riding toward my shot, along with a slew of cars. I sat and waited for him. Somehow, though, cars whizzed through my shot left and right and suddenly my cyclist appeared and there was this momentary lull in traffic. I snapped the shutter and the next second there were cars everywhere again. Man, that is what I call luck. Goes to show you how important it is in street photography to have a look around once you’ve decided on a photograph. You never know what will come along to add interest to your shot.

Lone beach walker

It’s funny… when I saw this person all in dark clothing I already knew she’d stand out against the trees and sand and boardwalk. I took maybe four shots of her until I had one I thought would work. The hardest part I find it catching the person with their legs apart in mid-step. I’ve practiced getting this enough now that I’m usually pretty successful. In Lightroom I applied a preset called “Burnt Sepia” and then played with the adjustments. I added vignetting then used the gradient tool to darken the sky a tad and lighten the grass in the foreground. I then used the brush and very carefully brushed the boardwalk and the person, and added heavy contrast and clarity to that alone. I wanted the wet boardwalk to jump out and I also wanted the person to appear “blacker.” Not sure what you’ll think, but I’m very happy with the result. Hope you like it.

So today’s turning into the day of the weekend. I got all my magazine editing done last night and am now free and clear to get out and take photos. It’s full on sunny, going up to above zero temps. I feel well rested for a change, and in a really up and energetic mood. It’s been so long since I’ve felt this good. I hope it lasts. I’m going to park east of downtown near Jarvis and Dundas, then walk to Kengsinton Market for lunch. After that it’ll be down to Queen West. I invited a friend along but I’m not sure she’ll be able to make it. I hope so. Should be a great day!

Lazy sings another song

I know what you’re thinking…. Oh no, not another song by that lazy damn photographer! Yep, I’m afraid so. I put this together this afternoon basically because I was sick of editing the magazine and wanted to take a time out. Hope you like it but don’t feel obligated to. It’s under 4 minutes long so it shouldn’t leave a mark.

Night train home

Here’s another from last night after the pub, when walking back to our cars. This is one of those pan/blur shots. I’m sure there’s a proper name for it but I can’t be bothered to look it up. What I do — and of course your mileage may vary — is always leave my shutter speed at 1/15th of a second in shutter priority. That way, if I see something that might make for a good pan/blur shot, I only have to flip the dial to shutter priority and I’m ready to fire. I find I get the best results by holding my camera at waste level with both hands and then sort of follow the subject by twisting my body with the movement of the vehicle. Plus, I like the vantage point of shooting from waste level.Hope you like it.

So I’m feeling mildly better today. I went to bed at 11:00 or so and was up at 6:00 AM for an hour but somehow managed to call back asleep for a couple more hours. I’m still not myself and am still feeling pretty down. Tomorrow’s a holiday here in Ontario so I’m hoping to get a proper night’s sleep and then spend tomorrow walking downtown with my camera.